


Sometimes existing is a curse.

by Ohlookitsabi



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Avengers: Age of Ultron (Movie) Compliant, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Bucky Barnes Remembers, Bucky has so many names its unreal, Depressed Steve Rogers, Feels, M/M, Not Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Compliant, Please Don't Hate Me, Post-Avengers: Age of Ultron (Movie), Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Pre-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Steve Rogers Is Not Okay, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Steve still thinks bucky is dead, Stucky is hinted at, civil war? Never heard of her
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-05
Updated: 2019-03-18
Packaged: 2019-07-07 08:59:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15905079
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ohlookitsabi/pseuds/Ohlookitsabi
Summary: Takes place all over the MCU timeline. Civil war? Don't know her.A memory has two main definitions.Steve Wishes he didn't remember.Remorse only has one meaning.People feel it.Steve Rogers feel it too much.





	1. Memories

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first Fic on here, I've got some posted on my Tumblr Already, but not this one.  
> My spelling isn't the best, and Criticism is always welcome!  
> I think im going to be having three or four chapters to this story all together, I'm not quite sure yet.

**_Memory_ **  
**_ˈmɛm(ə)ri/_**  
**_noun_**

 **_1\. the faculty by which the mind stores and remembers information._ **  
**_2\. something remembered from the past._**

A memory has two main definitions; the first being that a memory is the faculty, or, the capacity at which the mind stores and remembers information, which, in this instance is completely irrelevant. Then there is the second, which states a memory of being ‘ something remembered from the past’, but what it doesn’t mention, is that something as simple as a memory, or memories, can do a lot of damage to a person.

The best person to ask about this is possibly Steve Rogers, Aka Captain America, the star spangled man with a plan, or whatever you wish to call him. Steve has been alive a long time; of course, the 100 years he’s been alive doesn’t equate to 100 years worth of memories. Some things he doesn’t remember - this is the same for most people, you forget things as you grow, what did you get for your 3rd birthday? Steve doesn’t know the answer to this question, and it’s likely that neither do you, but, the memories that stick with us the longest are probably the important ones. For example - You probably remember the first time you had sex, or the first time you got a pet, or when you got married. For Steve - this is sound logic. Except, the things Steve remembers, are nowhere near as nice as you might think, well, most of them aren't anyway.

Steve remembers hard times - the great depression, the war, the battle of new york and the missions in between. But even if he remembers hard times, he remembers good times too. Living with Bucky, being huddled together during the night for warmth, the confession of love that went days unanswered until one night they shared their first kiss. The happy times Steve has shared with the avengers, listening to Tony ramble on and on about whatever tech related thing that's captured his interest, talking to Natasha and drawing her while she models for him, talking and just being friendly with Thor.

Although despite all this, the good never seemed to outweigh the bad, not to Steve. The laughter always stopped - it was inevitable. A mission always came, and if not that, then it was the nightmares. Steve is used to, by now, not getting much sleep. The floor he stays on in the Avengers compound is soundproof - just like the rest, assuming that, because it's tony, just in case any of the avengers decide to get down and dirty, but that's certainly not what steve uses it for. For Steve, it keeps his screams, his cries and his sobbing to himself. He’s supposed to be captain America, a symbol for freedom, justice and honor, not a broken and nightmare riddled man.

The nightmares differ from night to night - most of the time. On some occasions he has recurring ones, but only on occasion. Most of them consist of the things he's seen over the years, mainly while he was at war. Of course, Steve knows this is probably the PTSD he has, not that he's been officially diagnosed with it, it’s just extremely likely. The most common topic for his nightmares are Bucky. Bucky fell of a train back in 1945 - his headstone sits in shields official graveyard in DC, right next to Steve's for a matter of fact, even though he knows for a fact there is no body, he goes to visit him sometimes, even if he doesn’t always stay for very long, sometimes it can be half an hour, sometimes he’s there for half a day, just sitting. On occasion, he talks as if Bucky can hear him, tells him about how his life in the 21st century is going, on others, he’s silent, but on the rare occasion, he just cries, and for Steve, it can be a relief, getting all the emotions out and into the open, even if he’s just crying to an empty grave.

Some days Steve wishes he didn’t have to remember all the bad, hell, some days Steve wishes he never got the Serum. So he could have stayed in brooklyn, although he would have probably died of some illness, it would have been better than ending up in a new century, confused and knowing no one. Sometimes Steve thinks about ending it all, but of course, he knows how difficult it would probably be to take his own life, given the serum and his healing abilities, but he reckons with enough thought he could manage it, but then he remembers who he is. Steve Rogers barely exists anymore, all anyone really needs is Captain America, the hero, but not the man behind the mask. He’s grown used to it over the years, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t wear him down any less.

Steve often wonders what life would have been like if he’d never gotten the serum, but has to stop himself, because maybe, just maybe, Bucky would have stayed alive, and any life with Bucky still alive, is better than this.

Steve would give anything for Bucky to be alive, but little does he know, that for the past 70 or so years, Bucky has been trapped away in his body, in his own mind, and he has been replaced by a weapon, a soldier.

The Winter Soldier.


	2. Remorse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remorse has one definition.  
> Many people feel it.  
> Some people feel it too much

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ayee I'm back.  
> College has been shitty as fuck lately and writers block is a bitch.
> 
> I've had most of this fic written for months, but i couldn't nail the ending.  
> This wasn't beta'd, so all mistakes are my own.  
> Criticism is welcome :D

**Remorse**

/rɪˈmɔːs/

_noun_

noun: **Remorse**

1\. deep regret or guilt for a wrong committed.

 

Some could argue that remorse has more than one meaning; although, most simply say that it’s a deep seated guilt for a wrong you have committed. Those people would be correct; although, some people feel remorse even when they have done nothing wrong. Some would argue that This is the type of Remorse felt by Steve Rogers; Others, including Steve himself, would argue that he did everything wrong.

If you ask Steve what he’s done wrong in his life, you will get one of two responses. His face will harden, into his ‘Captain America face’ and he will simply avoid the subject, or, His face will twist with emotion, and his expression will drop, he’ll begin listing off everything he believes he’s done wrong in his life, and he’ll spiral out of control until you have to try and calm him down.

After recent events, this has gotten much worse. _The Man With The Metal Arm._ _The winter soldier. James. Bucky.._ Since Steve discovered who the winter soldier was, he’s been spiraling downwards ever since. Hydra had him, Hydra had his best friend for over 70 years and Steve had no idea. Hydra was shield, shield was Hydra. God, how could he have missed this? Steve has done a lot of things in the time he’s been alive; he’s seen a lot of things, felt a lot of bad feelings, but nothing could compare to what he felt when he pulled off the winter soldier's mask on that street, and saw _Bucky._

Most people don’t know what it's like, to be shot, to be stabbed, but Steve does, and yet, finding out that Hydra had taken away _the love of his life_ still hurt more. He should have done something. He should have gone back to look for him, his body. _God Steve, Your so fucking stupid. Fuck what the military said, i should have gone to look for his Body. I should have brought him back home._ Instead, he was held captive for 70+ years, tortured and brainwashed, _and it's all my fault._

During the time between then, and now, Steve hadn't known what to do. Bucky _Saved_ him from the river, saved his life, but then he just... _Left._ He knows he should look for him, hell, he’s sent

Natasha to get him the file for _The Winter soldier_ but does he really want it? Does he want to be able to see what Hydra did to him, the mess they made his mind, no doubt. He’s heard stories from Natasha before, about the red room, about what they did to the people inside.

The mere thought of them doing anything like that to Bucky, makes him feel physically sick. How could someone be so sick and twisted that they rip away a person's whole identity like that? Of course, he takes the file from Natasha anyway when she gives it to him, and sets off, with Sam of course, on his trail of the now ex assassin, _The Winter soldier_.

The nightmares are worse now - He dreams more of Bucky, of Bucky screaming, alone in a dark and damp room in some Hydra facility somewhere. He dreams of Bucky crying out for him, only to be told that his best friend had supposedly died. He dreams of Bucky screaming at him, asking him how he could do this, abandon him and leave him to rot somewhere like some animal. Did he mean nothing to him?

Steve barely sleeps - to afraid of the horrors that meet him when he finally does. He’s pretty sure he’s depressed, not that any regular medication would work on him anyway. He simply just has to let it be. He manages to stay on Bucky's trail for a surprising amount of time before it goes cold; he knew it would, of course it would, Bucky knew how to get himself off the grid, Steve was just surprised about how long it took him.

It hurts more than Steve expected. He finds himself back in his hotel room, in whatever city he’s in at the minute, he stopped paying attention a while ago, his mind purely focused on _finding Bucky_. He sits in a chair by the window, shuts his eyes, and for the first time in years, he simply lets himself cry, and by the time either Sam or Natasha finds him, He’d moved from the chair to the center of his double bed, sat facing the door, and was clinging to Bucky’s dog tags.

He hates to admit it, but he gave up, in his search for Bucky. As much as it pains him to say, he did, he gave up. The trail had been cold for months, besides the reports of burnt out suspected hydra facilities all over the world; but when they got there, he was long gone. So Steve decided to let it go. If Bucky wanted to be found he would come to Steve himself, well at least that's what he tried to tell himself. He didn’t know for certain if it was true. This is - Steve tells himself - just another reason for the _remorse_ he feels.

The mess he’d been while he was searching for Bucky was put on hold when Tony decided to create Ultron. He became the cool, calm and collected ‘Captain America’ a lot of the team knew him as. He wasn’t the man that was hurting and bleeding under the surface. He was an idea - a propaganda tool, and a liar. His perfectly constructed walls being rebuilt within a matter of minutes, and that's how he stayed. For months.

It’s only when he was alone that he would let himself fall. Those walls would crumble and he’d sink into the pit of despair he almost welcomes. He sits in silence and stares, cries. Asks himself what he’s done in life to deserve to still be living and breathing and living as good a life as he is. What he did to deserve such amazing friends. He just wanted to go home. Despite all his time in this new world, new life. He still longed for the life he used to live, even if it wasn’t much of a life at all. He wants to be small again, he wants to be back in that shitty apartment with no heating and only Bucky to keep him warm at night. He wants more than anything to go back to a time before the war _stole_ everything he loved and was away from him.

It isn’t until a particularly bad nightmare one night, just over a year since Bucky vanished with very little trace, that he decides to go for a night run. Something he doesn’t do often, but on occasion. He’s running around streets, not paying much attention to where he’s going before he’s yanked to the side, into what appears to be an ally, is shoved with his muscled back against a cold, hard wall, with what he can identify has a 9 mm silenced pistol, pressed right against his temple. He doesn’t flinch, scream, or even try and fight back. He simply stands with his eyes closed. It’s not up until this point, that his carefully structured walls almost fall around someone. When he hears it. He almost lets his wall fall.

 

**_“Stevie-”_ **

 

_Almost._


End file.
